Awakening to the New Day

Awakening to the new day with new possibilities and always hope
In your company, Beloved, as you give each moment greater scope,
Shot through with meaning, even if this man cannot see what it is;
Nevertheless, you love me with an everlasting love that never fails,
And so I rejoice in your presence, even in pain that seems to gain
An upper hand, but you have tied our band so that I am fully yours,
Now and forever, so this suffering, too, shall pass away in your day,
Which is dawning even now and promises no end . . . so let it be!

Dependency

Driving. It’s out for me right now. No one had to tell me this. In fact, no one has said anything to me about the matter. There is no need. I know that I am currently not fit to drive safely because of my current condition and medications that I am on. So like the old saying goes, “Better safe than sorry.” Yes, it’s better for me and better for others on the road.

I would like to believe that everyone thinks this way, but sadly this is not the case. There are probably thousands of people driving, who don’t need to be behind the wheel, but we won’t focus on them. Right now, I’m just feeling the sting of dependency. I mean, I depend on others to get me around and that is bothersome . . . at least to my ego.

Dependence. What am I supposed to learn from this? Perhaps that I cannot make it completely on my own? Well, no one can. The whole idea of being an island unto oneself is just a lie. Unfortunately, it is an infectious lie believed by (probably) the majority of people. It is born from the hell-spawn ideology of radical individualism.

Well, insofar as I “bought” the whole idea, it is now being debunked in my life. I cannot make it on my own. I depend on others to take me places I need or want to go. I also depend on medications (whether that is ultimately good or not). I especially depend on the love, encouragement, support, and prayers of others. I am not an island unto myself.

Beyond the Tower

The tower stands dark and foreboding, tall and strong,
And I can’t climb the walls no matter how much I long,
And so trapped inside I cry for help to right the wrong;
So one day soon I will once again join the joyful throng

Yes, these walls stretch up into the sky
So far above me and I understand why:
That no resident will ever say goodbye

But the builder never counted on wings
To bring this man out with song to sing,
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia to God ‘n king!

So help me now my Lord, even now to set me free
To be all that you would have me be, with reverie
Beyond these cold walls for all of the world to see!

Tuesday Update

There are burrows in my mind of the kind not sweet,
And I cannot cheat them and I cannot delete them . . .
By the grace of God I can, perhaps, change them!

Last night was one of the roughest I have experienced thus far with this nasty condition called akathisia. I even went to the Emergency Room – or, rather, I was driven to the Emergency Room – in order to hopefully find some relief. After more than four hours I received two shots that did precious little to alleviate my suffering.

Today has (thus far) turned out better than I expected, and for that I am extremely grateful even as I pray for the night, holding onto hope by faith in God, who is so good. This afternoon I did see my doctor, and he made some changes to the medication I am taking. Hopefully this will prove beneficial. We shall see.

It is odd, though, how one’s mind plays such a powerful role in how one feels. I am discovering this for myself and it is painful. When your mind, particularly your thinking, does not cooperate with good health your whole being, including the physical, suffers. It is really and truly a case of mind over matter, with the “matter” being your body.

Now to end on a good note: I want to thank each and every one of you for your very kind thoughts, understanding and encouragement … and especially your prayers on my behalf. Thank you for saturating me with love and good will. Thank you for lifting me up to God in supplication. This means more to me than I am able to express in words! Special blessings upon each and every one of you!

Fog of War ~ Cry for Help

It is the fog of war and I cannot see clearly as I am nearly blind,
And so I bind me to you, my Beloved, clinging to you kind hand,
And you tie your band around my waist lest I here waste away
In this foreign land with battle trenches dug deep into the earth
From which every soldier must show his worth even in dying,
Crying for mercy and peace and I, too, beg the warfare to cease;
Oh, my Beloved, give me new lease on life and let all strife end!

Here is my heart and all of me, too, to do with as you might will;
Take and seal me for eternity in fraternity with you forevermore,
But bring relief now as well as the bell chimes out this late hour,
And show your power to heal, and to fill me with your great love
Above the cacophony of this world into which I’ve been hurled!
And write my own name on your palm and calm all of my fears
Which lurk ever near to my very soul and so wholly fill this hole!

And grant me sweet serenity even now . . .
Oh, grant us serenity even now, my Beloved

Now in the Sacrament of the Present

Feeling tired and, at the same time, wired in the morning is seemingly just part of akathisia (as well as depression and anxiety). By the grace of God, I was able to sleep through the night, though, and the days are slowly but surely getting better. All of this is new territory for me. I’ve never experienced anything like this before and would not wish this on anyone.

Sharing my struggles openly and honestly is therapeutic as long as I can keep my thoughts straight. Otherwise I am just spitting in the wind. (God help me!) But can I count this as merely one part of my life journey? And should I ask myself what I am supposed to learn? But it’s difficult to know what the purpose is and what I am supposed to learn when thoughts race through my mind with no cohesion.

At the very least, I know that I am becoming more and more sensitive to the struggles of other people. Perhaps this is the lesson, if there is one, and so maybe in the final analysis I am to be more empathetic with others and reach out to help them so far as I am able. Certainly I am willing, and if I can do nothing else, at the very least I can pray for them.

Thus far in my own predicament many people have surrounded me with love, encouragement, and prayers. For this I am deeply grateful, knowing that it all has and continues to help immensely; therefore, I hold onto hope by faith, believing that this, too, shall pass. (I mean, of course, this unique predicament in which I find myself.)

For now, I can only take one step at a time, moment by moment, day by day, without fast-forwarding into the future. So, perhaps, another lesson I am learning is to live more fully in the present, trusting almighty God to carry me along this path in love, mercy and grace. For this, I am also learning to be sincerely thankful – that is, to be grateful in what might be called the sacrament of the present moment.

More later. . .