Crazy Life: Meeting the Mystery of God

“It is easier to gaze into the sun, than into the face of the mystery of God. Such is its beauty and its radiance.” ~ Hildegard of Bingen

“The brilliance of contemplated beauty opens the spirit to the mystery of God.” ~ Angelo Sodano

I cannot recall exactly when it happened, but I remember I was going to sleep one night and it just suddenly hit me, that is, the awesome mystery of God. An image of an endless, dark and inscrutable ocean welled up in my mind. I instinctively knew it was a representation of the Divine, and it frightened me. The great swells of water seemed to threaten me, and I actually found it hard to breath.

HEY7221This image, with all the attendant feelings, came back many more times, (and has recurred since I left the Samson Group Home.) Along with this I realized something rather simple, something that should have been obvious all along, and that is: I really do not even begin to comprehend God in his essence. I also realized that God truly is completely overwhelming.

It struck me ~ this simple yet profound truth ~ that I could quite literally drown in the Divine. The more I thought about all of this, the more I felt like I was suffocating. I reached the point of terror, the a terrore Dei. And I could not escape…

You cast me into the deep,
    into the heart of the seas,
    and the flood surrounded me;
all your waves and your billows
    passed over me.
Jonah 2.3 (NRSVCE)

Yet at about the same time the beauty of the world around me struck me with nearly overpowering force, even, or especially, the simplest things: fish jumping up out of the pond behind the house, birds pecking around the yard, and squirrels scampering about; the fox and racoon at night, along with the opossum family, and the dogs barking in the distance. All of creation seemed to radiate intense beauty that in turn pointed to ultimate Beauty, which I identified with God.

During this time is when I began throwing out the leftover bread from lunch. For some reason, I’d suddenly began to feel it my duty to share our food with our kindred creatures. In fact, tossing out the bits and pieces of bread brought with it a deep feeling of peace. I felt as if I were somehow embracing life in the raw, if only a little. It was deeply satisfying and ultimately healthy… It was like a prayer in action.

This is when I began passing over from the more traditional religiosity of Christianity to a certain degree of mystical spirituality, and one without many words. More and more often I would bow my head in prayer, focusing upon God, speaking nothing, just centering on the Divine. And this was enough… It still is enough. In fact, for some reason, prayer with words began to feel strangely inadequate. I felt like I was falling terribly short when praying verbally … so I prayed while praying nothing and everything.

All in all, this was an exceptionally calming experience, even with the overwhelmingness of God. Really, I eventually began to crave the “ocean of the Divine.” I began to fall into an eerie kind of love ~ but true love, nonetheless ~ with this God of Mystery. No, I never really sacrificed the core of what I’d believed most of my life. I still counted myself Christian, (and still do today), but this was a new and powerful, ongoing experience for me, taking me to another, deeper level of life.

But in a strange sense, I also felt like this was, perhaps, the first time in my life that I’d begun to genuinely believe, having now had an authentic confrontation with God… And my whole life became for a time like a cocoon, within which I would be transformed into someone (or something) totally other than I had ever been before.


For previous instalments, go to:

Crazy Life: My Testimony, Part I

Crazy Life: My Testimony, Part II

Crazy Life: My Testimony, Part III

Crazy Life: My Testimony, Part IV

Crazy Life: Sally Dumped and Deserted

Crazy Life: Ecclesia et Mentis Morbum

Crazy Life: Just Can’t Say ‘No’

Crazy Life: Hanging in the Balance

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Mysterium Dei

Deep, dark … Ocean mysterious abiding,
Keeping untold secrets forever in hiding;
In the soul of humanity ever confiding,
Yet inscrutable and past comprehending

Is there fear here where you are so near,
And part of us who are part of your heart?
Or overcome by your waves, drowning
Beneath your frowning vault of heaven

Living, deadly … Ocean forever existing,
Roiling and churning, forever insisting,
Enveloping the Cosmos, ever persisting,
While humanity floats, ever subsisting

Beyond the Tower

The tower stands dark and foreboding, tall and strong,
And I can’t climb the walls no matter how much I long,
And so trapped inside I cry for help to right the wrong;
So one day soon I will once again join the joyful throng

Yes, these walls stretch up into the sky
So far above me and I understand why:
That no resident will ever say goodbye

But the builder never counted on wings
To bring this man out with song to sing,
Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia to God ‘n king!

So help me now my Lord, even now to set me free
To be all that you would have me be, with reverie
Beyond these cold walls for all of the world to see!

Welcome to the City of Light

Welcome to the City of Light where bright rules the day
Every step along the way, where the soul can safely stay,
Where one can rest in an extraordinary nest of serenity,
Where there is plenty of love and peace that never cease
Here in this place, where the pace is slow and beautiful,
And joy dutiful to attend every step and the mind is kept
From all alarm as fear is dispersed by the light ever near
To the heart with no false start in any part of joyous day;
And where the night is absent of all fright and very calm,
Which is a healing balm to the soul … in the City of Light

Desire: To Want You More . . .

Do you know what it is like to want someone
More than anyone else in the whole world?

Your ways and the ray of your face
Fills the horizon of my day . . .
And there is something in the stillness
Of the night that pulls me tight to you,
And there seems to be all too few
Of these moments with you, too!

Do you know what it is like to want someone
More than anyone else in the whole world?

I look deep into your emerald eyes
And I spy eternity in fraternity with you,
And how else could it be for you and me?
And you look in my eyes and spy longing,
Deep longing to belong only to you, too,
And you knew it would be this way, true?

Do you know what it is like to want someone
More than anyone else in the whole world?

I would have frozen had I not been chosen
By you in love above all love . . .
When I was so sick, you picked me up
And carried me home, your home, my home
And I could now write a tome about you,
Beloved, ever hovering over and covering me

Ah! Yes, of course you know, and know that I know
What it is to want someone as much as I want you . . .


Note: Originally published in January of this year, now republished due to some renewed interest as well as for the reading pleasure of new (and old) followers. Blessings to one and all!

Mystery of the Beloved

Undomesticated, wild and mysterious you are, my Beloved;
Unsophisticated yet wisdom incarnate, my brightest star;
Your eyes open to unfathomable depths and yet not bizarre
As they carry kindness and understanding, comprehending
Every detail of my life along this trail in the tale that is told,
And you are so very bold but gentle, warm and never cold;
And do you not remold me and make me new every morn?
Ah! I am born again and again and only begin now to know
That this is not mere show but truth unfolding like a flower
As with you all is possible and the impossible simply is not,
And you have bought my very soul with your spilling love
From above, saturating me in fine crimson wine of heaven,
And for all of this I love you with an undying love, Beloved!


Note: First published in March of this year, now republished for the enjoyment of new reader-followers (as well old). Blessings to one and all!

Wild Love

Ah! You are not tame, my Beloved, nor do you play games,
But though you are wild, you can also be as mild as a child
And gentle as the Dove, though you’re the Lion from above,
So I do not approach you in fear when you are so very near;
With tears of joy in my eyes I lay my head upon your bosom
And sleep in peace and never cease to be thankful for you;
You hold me tight in the might of your nail-pierced arms,
Safe from all harms and alarms, and I am deeply enchanted
In your keep as I reap the blessings of the highest heavens
Leavened with love from above and compassion unending,
And you are always sending me gifts to lift my very spirit,
So how can I thank you, my Lion Lover, but to love you, too?


Note: First published in March of this year, now being republished due to some renewed interest as well as for the reading pleasure of new blog-followers (as well as others who may not have yet read this piece!) Blessings to one and all!