Crazy Life: Dreams and Dreams Again

Reams of dreams rolling through my mind
That bind me fast to my unpleasant past
Without recourse to complete forgiveness
In the business of living,
Giving no berceuse of peace for me to be
An healthy man for this old world to see
Instead of one daunted by haunted dreams
~ Jonathan David Noble

About half-way through my stay in the Samson (Alabama) Group Home, which is to say about seven to eight months, I began having very strange dreams ~ perhaps nightmares, truth be told ~ with one particular, recurring element: Alcohol, specifically trying to get alcoholic beverages, mostly in the form of ale. Again and again, I would hurry and scurry about, whether in some grocery or convenience store, attempting to purchase some ice-cold beer with the ever-present thought that I’d have to hide this from nearly everyone.

Well, for almost my entire adult life I’d used alcohol to self-medicate, along with benzos and pain-killers. By the time I’d been properly diagnosed and medicated, I’d already become an addict. In the final analysis, alcohol and drugs had ruined my life to an enormous extent. Certainly, it discolored and warped family relationships and friendships. Alcohol, primarily, had simply become part and parcel of who and what I was … tragically.

However, by this time in the group home, I’d been clean and sober for a couple of years, so I really didn’t understand the repeating theme of trying to drink in almost all of my dreams. (And, by the way, this was the first time in my life that I could actually remember most of my dreams. Before this, I could count on two hands the number of dreams I could recall.) Interestingly enough, my dream efforts to drink were always frustrated somehow, which was good, I suppose.

Restout.Jean-Bernard.1736-1796MorpheusorSleep.BRTo attempt interpretation of these dreams may prove to be folly. After all, “as one who catches at a shadow and pursues the wind, so is anyone who believes in dreams.”¹ Still being curious, though, especially since this them is ongoing, I investigated possible meanings online. One site suggested that I might be attempting to acquiesce “to some concept or circumstance,” or that I might be trying to cover up guilt and remorse.²

“Alternatively, the dream may be reflective of waking issues and problems of alcoholism. Recovering alcoholics often have dreams of drinking which results in feelings of guilt. Such dreams help to reinforce their sobriety,”³ which seems more likely to me. But why after so long being sober? Well, I suppose two years is not really that long. Besides, I also started infrequently dreaming, or experiencing flashbacks, of terrible mistakes I’d made … sins I’d committed.

I can truly say I was surprised by the suggestion that dreaming of past memories, especially mistakes and sins, indicates that I am ready “to rid (my)self of (my) old ways and undergo a transformation,” and/or that I am “ready for a new outlook in life.” If this is true, then at least these dreams are encouraging. Of course, if a memory dream included drinking, then if this interpretation is right, it would mean that I am finally ready to move on beyond past addictions. Wonderful! I believe this is true.

Now if I could only progress in a couple of other areas of my life, I might be the happiest man in the world. Still, I am very thankful that God has allowed and certainly aided me in making as much progress as I already have! And I pray you find yourself making strides forward, too! As always, peace and blessings to you!… 


¹ The Wisdom of ben Sirach 34.2 (NRSVCE)

² Possible interpretation(s) offered by www.dreamforth.com as accessed on 10/06/2018

³ Alternative interpretation provided by www.dreammoods.com as accessed on 10/06/2018

4 Ibid accessed on 10/06/2018


For previous installments in the ‘Crazy Life’ series, see…

Crazy Life: Sally Dumped and Deserted

Crazy Life: Ecclesia et Mentis Morbum

Crazy Life: Just Can’t Say ‘No’

Crazy Life: Hanging in the Balance

Crazy Life: Meeting the Mystery of God

Crazy Life: Humiliating the Already-Humbled

Crazy Life: A Little Less Crazy? But Still Guilty

‎­

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What Have You Lost?

It’s not the same anymore with a broken heart;
I walk and talk with you, and it tears me apart!
Yes there are smiles all the while but so vacant
And I just want to cry because I do know
That day we really did say our ‘goodbye;’
It was an ending without any new beginning
But you made your choice with definite voice
And now you’re left alone to just pretend,
Yet fail to apprehend what you have done;
But perhaps I’m wrong and you’re really strong
And at peace with a new lease on living this life;
Ahh! But then you seem to have cut yourself off
From anyone who ever genuinely cared for you!
O what’ve you lost for the sake of that albatross!
But who am I to say?
. . .
It’s not the same anymore with a broken heart;
I walk and talk with you, and it tears me apart!

Cry for Me Crying for You

Ah! My love! Cry for me crying for you
So emotionally bruised and confused;
You have been used and misused now
For so long you think it’s where you belong,
But how wrong you are! O sing a new song!
Take my tears and wash your face
And embrace a brand new reality
In finality of chasing what is base!
Ah! My dear! You pull tears from my eyes
As I spy him round every corner, lurking,
Knowing he’s bound to hurt you yet again
But you can’t see the sin ‘n you never win!
Oh my God, my God! You call his hate love
And I cry above to every angel who’ll hear
To steer you away from this dark delusion
And I know they care but can they repair?
Can they repair the damage already done
Under sun, moon and stars so far away?
No! No! You pop his pill
And then lay so very still
To bask in sleepy fantasy
To mask a very real pain!
What do you gain, then, save stain of guilt
And remorse ‘cause you took that course?
O can you not see and finally be free?
Or do you rather enjoy your chains?
Are you so insane that
You’ve slain your heart?
Ah! My love! Cry for me crying for you
So emotionally bruised and confused!
Cry for me crying for you to be so true,
So true to yourself to finally be free . . .
Ah! My love! Cry for me crying for you


Note: It must have been a better month for me than I knew at the time. Here is another poem previously published in November 2016, being republished now due to some renewed interest as well as for the enjoyment of new reader-followers. (And I’m very thankful to say that quite a few folks have decided to follow this blog just over the last few weeks! Thank you!)

When They Just Do Not Understand

Don’t blame or try to shame when they just don’t understand;
Yes, there are hands that will help and hands that will hurt,
And you’ve gotta be careful to guard your heart
Or they’ll tear it in parts and think they’re smart;
They don’t know what it is to be sick inside ‘cause it doesn’t
Really show all that much on the outside, so they push it aside
As if it’s really nothing, but they don’t know;
They don’t know about crying uncontrollably
While trying to get ready for the day some way;
They don’t know what it’s like when the mind just shuts down,
No, they frown and tell you to pick yourself up by the bootstraps
Even when you don’t have any bootstraps and you’re trapped;
They’ll tell you to ‘get on the ball’ even when the ball is lead
And it’s fallen on your head and put you to bed entirely unfed;
Yeah, they know a lot and maybe you thought they’d understand
But they’ve never sought understanding because they’ve had
An easy commanding of life without much demanding of them;
So they cannot understand the ghosts that haunt your psyche,
And taunt you by night like a blight that simply won’t go away;
No, they do not know so they show no compassion
As they look at your ashen face from such low base;
But you can’t blame them; this is no game, so you just move on;
Move on beyond the dull-witted and ignorant and callous . . .
Move on to the Lover who will cover you with love and dignity!

Addiction to Poisoned Person

Prediction of addiction is total destruction
Abdication of the soul with no reconstruction
Abandon all of the demands of true reality
Senility of the mind in the bind of death trap
Leave what is behind for your kind of hell
Hear bells toll as fire lights your funeral pyre
Will you ask if he was worth the birth of pain
And what do you gain from being so insane
Straight lane to perdition in your condition
Contrition gone in submission to your position
Admonition unheeded in sedition of the soul
Petition the mortician for removal of remains
Your end has come, no more bends in the road
Bid farewell to the last chance given to dance
Liberty is now but memory by your treachery

Obsession

Tunnel vision obsession, fixation on your prey,
You hunt by day and night, in dark and light
To capture like an expert trapper your quarry,
And you can see nothing else, to left or right;
You have your target in sight as it takes flight,
And your mind is on nothing else but to bind
Your victim, however that may be; this is key
To your present situation: stanch infatuation,
And you’ll not be satisfied till you’re gratified
With having what you want, and it taunts you;
Like a frenzied train running thru your brain
Nothing else matters even as life batters you
On all sides; there is nothing else but this one;
And this is finally your only real possession:
Obsession

Just Around the Bend

What a strange place to be, so estranged from reality,
Medicated beyond lucidity into the realm of absurdity,
Where what exists is rearranged in an ailing exchange
Of truth for fantasy in the horrid travesty of the vanity
Of doctors trying to cure what had been plainly pure;
But, then, it was the trick of your feigning to be sick,
And now comes the kick of being forever the addict;
What about now, though? Does clear truth still glow
Below the surface of your nerve-wracked existence
In persistent insistence that this is not genuine living
But only false pretense in defense of silly escapism?
What a strange place to be, truly, in deranged reality
That is not reality at all but a fall into a bad nightmare,
But you don’t know that yet, do you? Still, it is so true!
Pills may blind you to bills and gain relief from pain,
But life still goes on to the end . . . just around the bend,
Just around the bend!