I cannot lay me down to sleep; my soul in ashen heap,
Where darkness creeps and seeps in, leaving me numb
And dumb but restless in relentless torment of void;
Have I damned myself to be so removed from all feeling
Except undercurrent of unease from some mind disease
That robs me of joy, plays me like toy, some little boy?
And how do I return to sunny days from out of this haze
When there were none, but some ill-sought comfort
In believing I believed, having an unsure assurance
In preference to being honest with myself and with God?
When only with head-nod did I agree, but ne’er was free?
Oh, but now does liberty bind and grind me to lonely dust,
What must be thrown out because I can no longer trust
You to guide and direct, hide and protect? Did you ever
Or did you sever tie that binds? You knew I was blind,
So everything I left behind, and wind my way down path
Of discovery ~ to walk away from myself ~ but now I drown
In soul chaos and confusion, despair and disillusion,
But most frightening is not feeling, not crying; no crown
Awaits me now, but am I dying lying to myself, or flying,
Soaring to higher heights on winds of Spirit, where you are
And do not bar entrance to those who would know your star?
Is this why head feels too light to delight in journey
Begun and continued to discover for first time; recover
What was never lost; uncover truth and finally know you?
Did you leave my side, not abide, not hear when I cried;
Or am I running to you night and day, only to find you
And stay for one ray of hope, one spark of living fire
Before this body tires; before comes the funeral pyre…?
Or is all this my life but satire written by father liar?
No … no!
Another scream before sinking down again into murky stream,
Black-gilded dream; And will I awaken to see your face,
Every line to trace in love unworn, reborn anew to rise
To heavenly prize, like Phoenix with life you adorn
With eternity surely love and peace will no longer scorn.
Note: Originally published in August 2015, republished due to some renewed interest. . . And, man-oh-man, have I come a long way since penning this poem, thank God!